Today, we are featuring an agent from across the pond and one from right here in the U. S. of A.

Jonny Geller: Literary Agent and Joint CEO of Curtis Brown Literary and Talent Agency

On the 14th of May, Jonny Geller won Literary Agent of the Year at the Bookseller Industry Awards, a prize he'd sought after since his acting career dried up in the 90s. After receiving the coveted award, Jonny began to celebrate by slurping down buttery nipples—his favorite alcoholic beverage. But Jonny has a low tolerance for alcohol, so by the fourth buttery nipple, he peeled off his clothes, tossed them in the faces of industry professionals, his underpants landing on Sheila Crowley's head, and he darted toward his limo, screaming, "I'm agent of the year, bitches!" He told the limo driver to take him to the nearest tattoo parlor. Minutes later, they arrived at Soreskin: Tattoo and Piercing. Jonny stumbled inside, award in hand, and slammed a piece of paper down on the counter. He said, "This. This is the tattoo I want, because I'm awesome." On the paper, Jonny had written, "I'm awsome." He struggles with spelling and had left out an E. For ten minutes, the tattoo artist tried to correct him, but Jonny wouldn't listen. He thrust his award in the tattoo artist's face and said, "How many agents does it take to spell awesome? One. Me. Jonny Geller. Agent of the Year." The tattoo artist muttered, "Prick," and gave Jonny the tattoo he requested. To this day, Jonny believes awesome is spelled with one E and proudly displays his tattoo when he roller-skates shirtless in Trafalgar Square.

Above is a photo taken by an unnamed source who spent the evening cruising the streets of London with a nude Jonny Geller. (Jonny also got a piercing, but Agents Gone Wild is a family friendly blog; therefore, we can’t share that particular photo.)

Pam Van Hylckama: Agent at Larsen Pomada Literary Agents

Pam is a firm believer in Attachment Agenting, which is a theory based on Attachment Parenting, a style of rearing that aims to help a child form strong emotional bonds with his caregiver. Pam has modified certain principles of Attachment Parenting to fit Attachment Agenting. One of these is babywearing, or as Pam calls it clientwearing. After Pam offers representation, she arranges a meeting where she and the author can spend the weekend bonding. She brings her homemade fleece pullover that has a built in harness which allows an individual weighing under 210 pounds to hang securely from Pam’s chest. She puts on her fleece, the client crawls inside, pokes his or her face through the air hole, and they stroll through the park or go grocery shopping at Whole Foods. (Her original fleece pullover didn’t have a face hole, and a client ended up suffocating in Pam’s cleavage. The incident was ruled an accidental death and no criminal charges were filed. RIP Clint.) 

Below is a list of other methods Pam uses in Attachment Agenting. 

1. Nurturing Touch. The author reads from his manuscript while Pam brushes his hair and massages his feet. This way the writer associates his manuscript with comfort.
2. Feed with Love. Pam believes spoon feeding her writers builds trust and demonstrates the agent/client relationship—in other words, without me you would starve to death. 
3. Practice Positive Discipline. When Pam’s authors miss deadlines, she doesn’t spank them like some agents are known to do. She holds eye contact and says, “I’m obviously failing you as an agent. What can I do to help?”
4. Co-sleeping. Pam believes it’s important to sleep in the same bed as her client for the first month. One of her authors stated, “In the beginning, I wasn’t so sure about Pam sleeping between me and my husband. She assured me it was a safe, loving environment, and I didn’t want to blow my chance at representation, so I decided what the hell. When I woke up the first morning, I rolled over and Pam was smiling at me. She was like, ‘Happy morning, you beautiful creature. I’m in awe of your creativity. You inspire me.’ And you know, it made me feel special. I wrote an entire 72,000 word manuscript that day.”   

Above is a photo of Pam Van Hylckama clientwearing Rick Lipman, her most eager Attachment Agenting participant. Pam clientwore Rick for an entire month before her husband insisted Rick go home.